Don’t Avoid Inter-Company Conflict – You Actually Need a Bit of It
Conflict is important in a small business, especially a family business. Just make sure you stay in the “Goldilocks” zone
Most of us are conflict-avoidant. It’s not an inherently good or bad trait, but it’s definitely normal among humans. Our brains are wired to try and be liked by others. We have a natural tendency to want to be liked. Conflict, however, conflicts with that evolutionary goal1. Few people like conflict, but it is, psychologically, extremely important, both in our everyday lives and in business.
Without even delving into research, it’s pretty obvious what the benefit of conflict can be. Look at your personal relationships, specifically the one with your spouse. If there is never any conflict, that’s actually a huge red flag in a relationship. If someone says “I’ve never had a fight with my girlfriend in the five years we’ve been together,” more than likely that means that there is nothing so important to them in their relationship that has caused them to disagree – or worse, one party is so dominant over the other that there isn’t even an opportunity to argue. Conflict shows that there is something you deeply care about, specifically the relationship itself. The most dangerous point of a relationship is when one party feels it’s not even worth fighting – once that hopelessness sets in, it’s pretty much all downhill from there. The lack of desire to fix a problem usually points to someone having stopped caring.
Now, certainly there’s a balance. If a couple is fighting all the time, that’s another red flag. You want more peace than conflict in any relationship. And when that conflict arises, you want it to be productive. It can’t be personal and both sides need to honestly care about the other’s well-being. You have to stay in the “Goldilocks” zone. By knowing you are both “together” at the end of the day, you can argue a point without the other thinking that it is a personal attack. But the key to that is “together.”
In business, it’s the same way. If someone outside your business comes in and starts critiquing your company, it’s pretty easy to get defensive. “Who are you to make those claims?” you can rebut. But if someone you work with, day in and day out, for the last 20 years, is disagreeing with how the business is handling a situation, generally this person truly cares about the health and well-being of the business. In this case, you know there is no ulterior motive. You’re on the same team and part of the same community. Conflict can only be useful when both sides believe the other has their best interests at heart. An outsider coming in and creating conflict creates defensiveness. But someone you respect and care for creating conflict has a different connotation.
One of my favorite business taglines I’ve ever heard comes from Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, a multi-member family business. On their website, they position their brand as “Still 100% Family Owned, Operated, and Argued Over.” Have you ever heard a family business described more perfectly than that? “It’s funny, but it’s the truth,” said founder Ken Grossman. “We can get together and argue over what’s best for us as a company moving forward, but we all do it in good faith, knowing that everyone wants what’s best overall.”
If you and the people around you do truly care about the health of the business, there should be some conflict. A lack of conflict could mean one of many things: there are too many “yes men” that are not offering their actual opinions; there is not enough diversity amongst the decision-makers, so everyone ends up having the same opinion; or people may be scared to bring up a viewpoint different than your own. Any or all of these can create short-term peace, but long-term existential issues for your company. “When team members have different perspectives,” writes Dr. David Burkus, “They can bring unique ideas to the table. By considering multiple viewpoints, teams can come up with creative solutions to complex problems.”
It’s sometimes difficult to remember that most conflict in our lives is pretty minor, relatively speaking. Life isn’t HBO’s Succession – most conflicts are not disastrous and don’t involve billion-dollar repercussions amidst a family who is always out to get one another. Conflict in mass media is meant to be cringeworthy because power struggles make for entertaining viewing. In real life, it’s much simpler.
According to experts, there are two types of conflict that can pop up in a business: cognitive conflict and process conflict. Cognitive conflict is about the bigger picture – strategies, the overall direction of the company. Process conflict is about day-to-day work, including actual job duties and job descriptions. Each of these two types of conflict can exist externally and internally: externally is what is said out loud, and what others hear. This can include terse conversations, often anger and shouting. Internal conflict is what sits inside of someone, including silent resentment, seething, or spiraling. This usually festers and inevitably turns into external conflict.
Any of us that have been in business a long time have dealt with conflict within our own companies. I’ve had plenty of heated backs and forths with employees, managers, and business partners. Not all of them have been productive, admittedly, but I also have never claimed to be perfect2. At the end of the day, most of these conflicts started from the perspective of someone caring deeply about the business – and to be honest, most of the ones that went badly usually started from an egotistical perspective, not one of productive growth.
Here are the rules that I have established from my experience on how to handle business conflict:
1. Never, ever let ego get in the way
As soon as someone begins thinking about how a situation affects them personally, rather than the company, the entire conflict pretty much goes down the tubes. Remember, a conflict can only be beneficial if both sides believe the other has the best intentions for the organization. If someone is simply looking to be right, nothing productive will take place.
2. Decouple personal or family issues from business issues
I’ve somehow been fortunate to have a sort of “switch” in my brain that allows me to toggle between “business” and “non-business,” even when in discussion with a member of my family, whether it’s my father, grandmother, wife, or anyone else. Not everyone has that luck, but I urge you to separate the two. Don’t let the disagreement about cash flow management interrupt Thanksgiving dinner. And don’t let the argument over whether you’ve called your grandmother recently seep into the discussion about the company’s marketing strategy.3
3. Know when to pause and continue the discussion at another time, especially if it feels like things are getting too heated.
Sometimes, you just need to stop. It’s extremely difficult, especially in the heat of the moment. But it’s in these heated moments that people occasionally say things they’ll regret, especially personal attacks. If you keep reminding yourself that it is for the benefit of the business, you’ll feel pretty strongly when an argument has ceased to have any positive impact. At that point, it’s prudent to simply say, “Let’s put this on the back burner for a few hours and come back to it later.” Besides giving everyone time to calm down, it also allows you to review some of the arguments made, and perhaps one or both of you will come to a realization that ends the conflict once and for all.
4. Always remember rule #1.
I cannot stress this enough. Leave your ego out of it. If you’re in business to feel good about yourself or to be right all the time, find another job. Everything you do should be for the betterment of the company. No exceptions. No excuses.
Striking the balance between positive and negative conflict is very difficult, and no one will ever get it perfect all the time. But striving to argue and debate in a productive way, even if we fall just short, creates a recipe for long-term success for you and your staff. Remember that disagreeableness is not rudeness – but rudeness is certainly disagreeable.
See what I did there?
Some things are just common knowledge.
One of my strategies that I’ve used is that in the context of business, when talking to other people, I never refer to my father as “dad”. I always refer to him by his first name. Despite some people giving me a confused look, I explain that it helps me separate the personal side from the business side. In the company, he is my business partner and nobody else in the building calls him “dad”. Outside of the company, he’s a beloved family member. To the best of our abilities, never the two shall intersect.